Sparkle Like The Stars

Does Paula Abdul understand what she does to my blood pressure? She seems like a sweet, if completely deranged, woman and I have a hard time believing she really wants to drive me into an early grave faster than a diet of fried chicken dipped in ice cream is already going to. (It’s the Bruce Vilanch diet, and it’s awesome.) Anyway, here’s Paula at the recent Country Music Television awards. She has apparently given up all hope of releasing a hit song again, and instead has chosen to take a job as the receptionist of a Western-themed bordello co-owned by Morticia Addams and Lily Munster. What is that dress? It is tight, blood red, and features a form-fitting rhinestone netting. I literally could not have imagined it even with a high fever and having licked a toad. Is that a spider on her bodice? Is she just, like, so different from the other kids at Anton LaVey Junior High?

I just looked at the dress again and suddenly realized it might be supposed to be heavy-grade snakeskin, and I guess if she’s willing to face the “Save the Dragons” people, I should leave her alone.

Her bracelet would be lovely if it didn’t defy one of the cardinal unspoken (until now, apparently) rules of red carpet couture: never match your accessories to your dress in an exaggerated cartoon fashion. There’s so much shine everywhere with the dress and the bracelet and the dress and another part of the dress that she looks like the villianess from a moderately risque Saturday morning cartoon - Baroness Glitterpoison von Boltz, I’m imagining. The B-52’s would do the theme song.

…I should actually storyboard that cartoon. Before I do, though, I will recommend that you buy this seven-and-a-half carat diamond and white gold bracelet. Seven and a half carats of diamonds shine out of a glittering, elaborate setting. The bracelet is an inch wide, and will add glamour and class to any evening look. It could be worn as your sole accessory, or paired with a simple necklace. It’s $10,500, a bargain for this many diamonds - and reduced from $16,500. You can be sure Paula spent a lot more and wound up looking not nearly as good.