Sparkle Like The Stars

OMG! This girl rocks. While all the other girls are getting dolled up for the Oscars, Tilda Swinton is soundly sleeping in her coffin! Seriously, I think she took the sun damage and skin cancer a little too seriously! Doesn’t she look like a stretched out, Clay Aiken after a bout of stomach flu?

In all seriousness, I really appreciate the bold statement she’s making about beauty. It’s ok to look like an extra from Star Trek - really!

Tilda - what a name! - is also bold in her choice of accessories - which I adore, btw. If you’re looking for some thing big, bold, and modern, this sterling silver multi-link bracelet is for you! For just $65, you get the unmistakably lustrous beauty of sterling silver in this dramatically unique bracelet. Gleaming silver is exquisitely crafted into a spectacular multi-linked design. It makes for a striking look!

Katherine Heigl looked fabulous at the Oscars! She definitely made my best dressed list! The bright combination of her blond hair and almost-orange red dress was stunning. Red was the big color this year at the Oscars. You can bet we’ll see more of it in the year to come.

Katherine donned dangle earrings in a teardrop shape for her big night. The long earrings accent her long neck and add so much glamor. To get a similar look, you’ve got to try these 1/2 carat diamond chandelier earrings in 14K white gold. What’s so great is thet they’re even on sale right now for just $295.00! That is a 70% reduction! These very fashionable chandelier-style earrings are sure to be noticed. The intricate filigreed designs are beautifully rendered in white gold and glisten with dazzling diamonds. They create an unforgettable look that is perfect for evening.

Girls, it’s getting a little ridiculous. I mean, 10 years ago when we started putting goo in out lips, it was ok. No one was going over baord - except Melanie Griffith. That girl was the one that always took it too far. But today it looks like they’ve hired someone at every event to just pop these girls in the mouth right before they step out of the limo.

Check out little miss thang, Anne Hathaway. First of all, she looks INCREDIBLE - but those lips are so B-I-G! Other than that, I would be so thankful if a couple of other folks (names withheld to protect the GUILTY) would take some pointers from Anne. Her skin is flawless and her dress - well, it kind of reminds me of a Rose Parade float. It is beautiful though. She did the right thing to forgo a necklace with all that detail on her dress. Anne’s earrings are classic and she’ll be able to wear those beauties again.

If you too are in the market for a classic pair of earrings that you’ll wear time and time again, you can’t pass up these 3/8 carat diamond earrings in 14K white gold by Dalumi. At an incredible price of just $425, these earrings are a steal! The feature gleaming white gold that is beautifully crafted in a classic design and complimented with dazzling diamonds. It makes for an elegant, understated look.

So, haha, Bai Ling apparently shoplifted some things from an airport store? Did I even read that right? She is not even famous enough to pull a Winona. And it was apparently batteries that she stole. Batteries. For her travel curling iron? Her Discman? Her Roomba? I looked this chick up on Wikipedia, and apparently she’s 37 and actually from China. Like, her parents were involved in the Cultural Revolution in some way. How embarrassing. Anyway, I have here a pic of Bai-curious from a happier time. Her wig is a little aggressive, but she’s wearing what appears to be a nice dress - I like the part I can see, at least - and has accessorized it well. She’s chosen a cocktail ring and a necklace, which give her room to be moderately playful with each. The cocktail ring is fun and works well with her dress, while the necklace provides a nice finishing touch. She wouldn’t really seem “dressed” without the necklace and it really pulls her look together.

You can get this same effect sans arrest and unflattering Playboy spread with this circle and oval drop link necklace. The varying sizes and shapes of the decorative sterling silver links are hip and unusual without being “wacky.” This is a stylish piece to wear with a low neckline, and a steal (GET IT?) at $175.

I can seldom actually stand Mary-Kate Olsen. I hated “Full House,” and I just cannot stand when she shows up at an awards show looking like she’s been dead for six years. She’s the richest teenager in the history of the world, or something, and she dresses like a blind bag lady going as a Golden Girl for Halloween. That said, I like her earrings here. (She must not have designed them.) I actually like them better the more I look at the picture, and I think part of the reason for this is that they’re so age-appropriate. The dangliness makes them seen young and light-hearted, but they’re restrained enough not to look silly at all. They are, in fact, exactly the kind of accessory a stylish young woman should wear to a night out. The color works well with her eyes and her hair and she just looks so healthy. I want to print this picture and tape it to her vanity as something always to shoot for.

You can get the same effect Mary-Kate has here with these blue and white topaz earrings. Set in white gold, the alternating blue and white topaz is understated but flattering, and illustrates the time-honored truth (that I wish I could make Hollywood understand) that class doesn’t have to be, shouldn’t be, boring. Wear them on your next night out for only $95.

And the only prescription is less Rachael Ray. She is everywhere. She is on TV, in magazines, on food packaging and in my dreams. I cannot leave the house without seeing her smiling at me, grinning at me, peeping coyly at me, confiding in me, conspiring with me, looking at me. I don’t dislike her, she’s just everywhere. She is on bottles of olive oil. I cannot make spaghetti without her being involved. She has about eight television shows, including “Rachael Ray reads Faulkner aloud.” If Big Brother were little and cute and from Puerto Rico and had a lot of handy kitchen tips, this would be “1984.” Which I could adjust to, I guess, if she didn’t wear necklaces like the one she has one here. U, g, l, y, it ain’t got no alibi. I think I see what she meant to do, but she missed. I would describe this necklace as “a chain with some things.” It clashes with her gold lame jacket (which she apparently stole from Grace Jones back the year I was born.)

Rachael could have gotten the same effect with this necklace. It’s a pearl necklace without being a Donna Reed single-strand thing, and the hanging drop pendant would work with Rachael’s neckline and accent her outfit without the Random Chain Action she has here. The gold and the pink pendant pearl add color without making it hard to match, and at only $65, she could pay it off with the sale of one toaster with her face on it.

Those of you who wondered who I cropped out of yesterday’s picture of Wilmer’s Wonderful Watch need wonder no more. It was K-Fed. I just… couldn’t handle K-Fed yesterday, but I’ve had a few and feel strong enough now. I’m not even going to talk about the pink shirt, faux-hawk, or barely focused eyes, except to mention how awful they are. I merely plan to point out that K-Fed, recent husband of Britney the Mad, alleged father of the Britlets, is apparently in a major crime family. I can tell because he has put on a gold pinky ring. Look at it. A gold pinky ring. A gold ring, on his pinky. On his pinky, there is a gold ring. He sports a gold ring on the smallest, furthest-out finger of his hand. There is a band of yellow metal on his digit. No way you phrase it is it anything other than just absolutely amazingly horrible. He is those children’s role model! They can be like him or Brit-Brit, and if I had to choose whether to have a gold pinky ring or scream and carry on all over Los Angeles, I’d try to get adopted by the most polite, observant Mormons in the world. I would watch only Veggie-Tales until I was thirty. Such is the horror of the pinky ring. It is only for Liberace on feast days.

If K-Fed needs a ring, he could try for something a little less ugly. This is a good example of a ring a civilized man would wear on his RING FINGER. The agate, silver, and diamond together will match almost anything, it can dress up or down (always important if you’re a rapper with kids, I’d guess,) and it’s not a gold pinky ring. For $295, you can be, in all ways, entirely better be-ringed than K-Fed. It is a small price to pay.

I can never decide if Wilmer Valderrama is handsome or not. I have lain awake at night over it. I have had conference calls over it. I have even, in a moment of weakness, consulted a palmreader. I just can’t tell. What I can tell you is that he apparently is a Level 89 Mage in Dungeons and Dragons. He has a Tron pillowcase, wipes Chee-to residue on his pants, and both laughs and snorts milk out of his nose. He spent prom night drinking Mountain Dew and watching scrambled adult movies on the cable box.

How do I know this? Look at his watch. It is the ultimate nerd watch. It is blocky. It appears to have a weird thick bunchy synthetic band. It has extra dials, so he always knows the dew point in Tel Aviv, or something. The rest of him looks well-dressed, if not well-rested, and then his wrist comes along and plays the “Mario Brothers” theme every four hours so he can take his fiber supplement.

He is famous. He is a TV star. He has fifty dollars to spend on a tasteful watch like this one. If he doesn’t, he could borrow or steal it. Then he would have a nice, tasteful, slimline (I can’t emphasize the SLIMLINE enough) watch that looks like something an adult man would wear. He could even choose between two dial colors.

Oh, Fez. How come you treat me so bad?

In this picture, Amy Wine(beer whiskey gin vodka antifreeze)house has made a very good and a very bad decision. Can you identify them? The bad decision is the bellowing, unwashed water monster next to her. He looks like a zombie dressed as Pete Doherty for Halloween. She married that. I would have sprayed with him pepper spray; called the police, ghostbusters, and my mother; and run the garbage disposal just to be safe. She has chosen to become one in the eyes of the Lord and the Queen with someone who has been poorly embalmed. I don’t even understand it.

What she has chosen well are her earrings. Amy has a distinctly ornate style, and would look underdressed without earrings, but at the same time very elaborate and flashy ones would have made her look like a lampshade at a whorehouse. So she added some classic, slightly detailed large hoops to keep the look consistent without overdoing it. I like her choice of gold here: most fair-skinned women use silver as their go-to, but her coloring works with the gold just fine, and it makes them unique, as opposed to “oh-she’s-got-silver-hoops-whoop-de-doo.” You can get this same look without the strung-out husband with these bamboo hoops by Jordan Schlanger. They’re 18K gold, fairly flexible, and create the illusion of an endless ring. The bamboo-style detailing makes them unusual without cluttering the design. You have them for just $1240 - an absolute steal when you think about how much she’ll have to pay to divorce that little toad.

I don’t get it. She’s pretty, if you like that “obvious” kind of pretty. She’s rich. She’s in a big new movie with Matthew McConaughey, whom I would literally slap my momma to just stand next to.

And then she puts on those earrings.

I can’t even tell what they are. They look like small tassels, like you’d have on a curtain pull. A lady should never wear tassels, and if a woman who is not a lady chooses to wear tassels, they should not hang from her ears. What makes this particularly baffling to me is that there is an entire jewelry line, for her, based on what she wears in “Fool’s Gold. She could have spent only $175, and worn these gold-over-silver earrings with coral beads by Andrea Barna, and gotten the same dangly look without looking like someone’s grandmother’s chair. Don’t make the same mistake as Kate.

Look at that. Look. At. That. I am definitely going to see “Fool’s Gold” when it comes out. I don’t know what it’s about and I don’t care. It has that man in it. I would pay seventeen dollars to watch him shuck corn cobs for two hours. Oh, Matt. I love you so.

Ahem. Anyway. In “Fool’s Gold,” my rival Kate Hudson has the perfect accessory (see picture!) but she also, judging from the promotional pictures and previews I’ve seen, wears some great jewelry in the film. (She should be content with her rocks and leave my man alone.) Go browse the collection at ice.com of jewelry inspired by the film - but you’re on your own as far as getting yourself a McConaughey. If I find out, I am keeping him.

Hey, y’all. Sorry I didn’t introduce myself last time, but I got caught up in the terrible hot mess that the Spice Girls have become. I’m Joe Roy, and I’m gonna be helping icegrrl show you how to sparkle like the stars for less. She and I will make sure you look like you’re walking the red carpet, not the rehab circuit. (Oh, BritBrit. We went to high school together, and would you believe I was the pretty one?) Stay tuned for great looks and great jewelry.